21st Century Christmas Breakdown?


[Listening to: Try - Nelly Furtado - Folklore]

For reasons I can't put my finger on, I feel as though I've let everyone down this christmas. Normally I enjoy picking presents for people, I like the act of giving, the quick moment of joy when you see something and think "that would be perfect for...", the hunting down of something special, knowing that because you put some thought into it the recipient will like it, the surefire feeling that someones eyes will light up when they open your gift. This year that was missing, in almost everything I bought. I don't know why, but it's not there. I haven't found one thing for my oldest friend. How can you know someone since they were 9 and not be able to find them a present? Is that a sign of a bad friend? Does it mean I don't care? I just don't have any ideas, it's as if they were all sucked out of me.

This year I'm spending christmas in England, for the first time in 9 years, with my oldest friend, her husband and two boys (I'm expecting an early start on christmas day). I haven't been able to find a present for my oldest friend, and despite her protestations this morning that it doesn't matter, it does, it matters to me. I'm losing touch with my friends, moving apart from the only person who knew me as a boy. I'm getting worse at corresponding with people, even though technology makes it easier every day. I smile less than I used to, have fewer friends, spend more time on my own, and although I care more, I show it less.

So, in the words of the song, I resolve to try.

"and I see you standing there,
wanting more from me,
and all I can do is try..."
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